I usually get into trouble with these late night ramblings, but alas, here I go...
There are really important things going on in the world; there are wars being fought, children without any food to eat; marriages ending; people dying...and what do I worry about? You've guessed it...the size of my thighs...the amount of caloies I consume...the guilt over binging, and that loud, overwhelming record in my head that keeps telling me, that no matter what, I am going to fail. So, yes, if you continue reading you'll be hearing once again the depressed part of me...I really should learn to keep things quiet...oh well...
When I began this journey some fifteen months ago, I planned to be done by now; and here I am...having lost 50, and over the las 6 weeks, gained back 15 at least. So, why continue, when obviously I'm going to fail? Why be good to myself when I have no doubt that I will continue to make the same bad choices over and over again? Why think that I'm worth fighting for...why continue to fight when I have no faith in myself that I will succeed...
Here's no transition whatsoever: when I was in seminary, my preaching professor told me in my final evaluation that he hoped that someday I would experience the grace...live in the grace..that I proclaimed to others...You know, that's really what I want, to know that no matter what, no matter the number on the scale, no matter that the tape measure keeps reading larger, no matter the ridiulous things I say, or the whiny blogs that I write...that no matter...I knew that I was loved anyway, in spite of it all...that maybe, just maybe I might be worth it.
You are worth it.
ReplyDelete(repeat as necessary)
Sarah,
ReplyDeleteDepression feels like a "grace-killer" in my experience. The feeling, though, is the big lie. I have to constantly remind myself that my perceptions of myself, my feelings about myself are skewed. Although my feelings are real, the conclusions about myself are not. I am better at remembering this some days than others as it seems you do, too. I guess true grace is that even when our feelings tell us grace is dead, even when we believe it is dead, it is still grace.
PS You are worth it; we all are.