Saturday, October 15, 2011

Happy Pills Are Our Friends and I'm grateful for...

    It was November of 1994 and I was unsuccessfully transitioning to my first year of college away from home.  My first ray of hope was a campus pastor who said the words "clinical depression" (not the words crazy and hopeless, which were the ones going through my head); the second ray?  My doctor and "there's medication that can help you," and my love/hate relationship with Zoloft then Cymbalta, now Pristiq began.
   A number of times over the past 15+ years, I've attempted to break up with her--I can do this by myself!  Why can't I be normal?  If I were a better, faithful, follower of God, I could just pray my way out of it...and so I try. Maybe I can...and hide the damn things in the back of the medicine cabinet.  This last time, however, that we parted ways, was a result of poor planning, changing of insurance, and then the complete inability to function to rectify the situation.
   Seven days ago, the bottle ran empty, and the depression began.  The pills of salvation are back now; and are literally being clutched in my hands, so as not to lose them.  But, the six days in between were hell (I've tried to talk with my college kids about heaven on earth...and hell on earth--and now I've got some pretty clear examples of both)...Unless you've been there, it's hard to explain...but, that complete emptiness, and loneliness; having to answer Evelyn's "why are you crying again mommy," the ability to think in my head, there is no reason for this, but to feel in my soul that nothing, absolutely nothing matters--that I am worthless and a failure.
   For some reason this time I kept thinking about all those souls in the past who have experienced this--the 1800's come to mind--and didn't have a word to name their demons.  I wonder how many lost or took their lives because of chemicals that refused to be made.  I wonder about children who had to suffer because their mommy simply couldn't make them breakfast anymore, or about sermons that were never preached, or paintings that were never painted, or dreams that were never realized...
   Well, it's no longer 1800, and there is something that can be done; God has created and gifted some wonderful pharmaceutical manufacturers, and I am going to accept their gifts to the world.  My prayer is that no one needlessly suffers anymore--that no more tears are shed--that no more breakfasts goes unmade--and that if you know someone who needs them; and if you are someone who needs help, never...never be afraid to ask for it; because the world on the other side sure looks a whole lot brighter.
    So my list of gratitude for today:  1.  Happy Pills; 2.  Steve, who held me while I cried; and for 3.  Evelyn who said "it's okay, mommy; I love you anyway..."

Thursday, October 6, 2011

I wish I could believe it...

Maybe you've seen this picture posted on facebook...and the story that goes with it about women being beautiful in all shapes and sizes.  And honestly, I look at this woman and truly think she is beautiful.  But, I look at myself and I think there must be these scales on them (no pun intended); people tell me I'm beautiful (I have friends on this campaign, who tried to get Steve involved...), but I simply don't believe them.  And you know what I'm tired of?  My own complaining...indeed it does not make me happier; it's actually downright annoying; I listen to the words that come out of my mouth and if someone were saying them, I'd want to slap 'em (thank you to my friends who haven't done that yet).  But, so far, there simply hasn't been any amount of cajoling or forcing or convincing my eyes and my heart that the person in the mirror is worth any description other than stupid, fat, and ugly.  Now, here's the thing, before you all get freaked out on me...I'm in therapy; I'm at least trying to change that tape recorder in my head.  But, I've also decided I need an outlet again; so, I'm back to blogging; back to complaining; back to letting the world know my every thought. 
   And just to show you how crazy I truly am, I'm going to absolutely flip the tables and also start practicing something I've been reintroduced to:  gratitude.  Go figure.  Apparently, says these people, simply listing off the things you're grateful for just might change your perspective on the world (and maybe even on the one in the mirror).  So, here is gratitude list #1:  Steve
                                                              Elijah (gotta start somewhere, right...)
                                                              oh...and each one of you.