I think someone needs to invent the following: some sort of device where you look into it and you truly see yourself as you are. I know...if you're an obnoxious soul like my husband, you're saying..."ummm...a mirror?" But, there's something about a mirror that doesn't quite work. I think there must be this haze that goes over it when you peer into it...a haze that is full of all your doubts, all those "miss piggy's" you've heard, all those "you'll never be good enough's;" so the reflection that greets your eyes is one that makes all those things come true; one where no matter what stands in front of it, truly will never measure up to anything worthwhile.
Now, I know I'm only half-way through this weight loss journey...but from what other people say...and truthfully, the way my clothes fit, I should be seeing someone different gazing back through the frame. But, I don't. I still see someone who takes up too much space...someone simply not smart enough to make a difference in the world. Now, this is not the "Sarah's going to moan and complain so you'll all compliment me and tell me how wonderful I am..." Because, there is a difference between hearing those things and believing them; between wearing smaller pants, and actually feeling transformation deep within your soul and seeing that reflected in the mirror. Part of me knows I have to be changing, and yet a bigger part (no pun intended) keeps telling myself that I am simply a failure who will not succeed at anything I try. I guess when they (whoever the hell "they" are) say that it's not about the weight...they really mean it.
So, what to do? How do I change over 30 years of dialogue that have been cycling through my head? I do I look in the mirror and believe that no matter what I see, I am loved by God, I am loved by others, and that damn it, I really ought to love myself?
When I preach, I end each sermon with a Tuesday faith assignment (because what good is worship if it doesn't still matter on Tuesday?); so my Tuesday assignment is not going to create a new invention...but it's going to be to look in a mirror...to actually look at myself, and see if just maybe I can see a little glimpse of what God might be seeing.
I'll let you know how that goes...
And if you wouldn't mind, look in that mirror yourself...and tell me, who do you see?