Saturday, August 7, 2010

They say you can't go home again...

And actually I think they were right.  I'm ten again; you wouldn't know it by looking at me.  But, the emotions are the same; the dynamics are the same, and the results?  the same.  I love my family so very much, but I can't be ten anymore; I can't keep trying to fix all the problems (yes...I'm the oldest); I can't take the drama; and honestly if me and my baby sister spend any more time together, I'm going to have to file for bankruptcy (I love you Bekah!).  So, this post is for all those people who have known me since I've turned 10.  Will you remind me that I am a grown-up?  Will you remind me that I do not need to drown my sorrows, my fears, my anger in brownies (I'm in the midst of a five day binge--hello 200's...)?   Will you tell me that I am a good mother, that I can be a smart woman, that I can be a faithful daughter and sister even if I can't live in the bedroom I grew up in anymore?  I need your help, you tell me to put down the cookie--and to make things easier, tell me why. 
That's all...


  1. Hi, Sarah, it's me again - Chris. Put that cookie down!! NOW. You do NOT need it; in fact, you don't even want it :-)
    By the way, before I was ordained - one day I visualized me taking hold of that little Christine's hand and I walked her through the milestones of growing up so that we became the same age - mature adults who were both worthy of being a pastor. It worked!! Most of the time from that time on I saw that the inner me was almost the same as the me that others could see. chris

  2. I know what you're going through. Or, maybe to be precise, I know what it's like to feel that way in the house you grew up in. It's like trying to wear a too-small pair of shoes that not only pinch, but went out of style in 1990.

    I don't have a good strategy except to offer these two pieces of advice:
    1. don't hurt yourself as you're being hurt. If things are difficult around you and your feelings are bruised, don't make it worse by saying or doing harmful things to yourself. Love yourself the way you wish they would love you.
    2. Remember it's only temporary. As weird and strange and wonderful and disappointing as it might be, it will be over soon and "real" life will resume.

    PS - For the record, you're a wonderful mother, your kids are going to turn out just fine and I think your husband really misses you because he hasn't talked to me that much in the last decade as he has since you've been gone.