I think someone needs to invent the following: some sort of device where you look into it and you truly see yourself as you are. I know...if you're an obnoxious soul like my husband, you're saying..."ummm...a mirror?" But, there's something about a mirror that doesn't quite work. I think there must be this haze that goes over it when you peer into it...a haze that is full of all your doubts, all those "miss piggy's" you've heard, all those "you'll never be good enough's;" so the reflection that greets your eyes is one that makes all those things come true; one where no matter what stands in front of it, truly will never measure up to anything worthwhile.
Now, I know I'm only half-way through this weight loss journey...but from what other people say...and truthfully, the way my clothes fit, I should be seeing someone different gazing back through the frame. But, I don't. I still see someone who takes up too much space...someone simply not smart enough to make a difference in the world. Now, this is not the "Sarah's going to moan and complain so you'll all compliment me and tell me how wonderful I am..." Because, there is a difference between hearing those things and believing them; between wearing smaller pants, and actually feeling transformation deep within your soul and seeing that reflected in the mirror. Part of me knows I have to be changing, and yet a bigger part (no pun intended) keeps telling myself that I am simply a failure who will not succeed at anything I try. I guess when they (whoever the hell "they" are) say that it's not about the weight...they really mean it.
So, what to do? How do I change over 30 years of dialogue that have been cycling through my head? I do I look in the mirror and believe that no matter what I see, I am loved by God, I am loved by others, and that damn it, I really ought to love myself?
When I preach, I end each sermon with a Tuesday faith assignment (because what good is worship if it doesn't still matter on Tuesday?); so my Tuesday assignment is not going to create a new invention...but it's going to be to look in a mirror...to actually look at myself, and see if just maybe I can see a little glimpse of what God might be seeing.
I'll let you know how that goes...
And if you wouldn't mind, look in that mirror yourself...and tell me, who do you see?
I see someone who will never be happy with herself, too. Maybe we have the same mirror! :(
ReplyDeleteI love your Tuesday faith assignment idea - brilliant!! I may just create those for myself from sermons I hear! See - you are brilliant! You created an excited spark within me. You improved my evening - and potentially my faith journey!
God works through you. You don't have to worry about whether you're a failure. God will take whatever you are and make it wonderful & beautiful! You rock!
You know, this post reminded me of an exchange I had with a friend of mine who changed her lifestyle to lose weight. When she was several months into her journey and had lost a significant amount of weight, she told me she had a hard time understanding her current size (much like what you said, having a way to see yourself as others do).
ReplyDeleteSo she asked me when we were out walking in a city one day to point to someone else I thought was about her current size. She was surprised that I pointed out a woman much smaller than she had expected.
Here's a story on her blog about seeing herself as fat:
http://100lbs.typepad.com/the_next_hundred_pounds/2010/01/the-history-of-my-fat.html
I miss you, Sarah! I want to hang out soon. I was going to come to text study today, but the roads last night were so bad that I didn't want to chance it this morning. I'm planning to be there next week!
ReplyDeleteThis is the thing that annoys me about the way you and I think: What does size have to do with intelligence? Oh, I get it...you know I get what you are saying. But I don't like it. We are bright women who can do anything we put our minds to. Size doesn't mean squat.
How do you change the internal dialogue? Think about how you want your daughter to see herself. You know I totally inherited my mother's issues. And looking back, my mom showed how embarrassed she when I saw her flabby belly. So when Cally reaches to tickle my flabby belly, I try not to show shame. It's there, but I don't want her to see it. She'll inherit some of it from me, but I hope the internal dialogue isn't so loud!
Okay, going to bed. I hope you are well....talk to you soon!
Thanks for the link! I love reading the stories of others--and how I relate. I've thought I was fat since I was in kindergarten and looking back on those pictures, I wasn't! I'm ready to begin...no continue this journey...again!
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