The Same Me...

I considered posting the very first picture I ever posted on this blog.  Because it's exactly what I look like now.  Yep, lost 50 pounds, and gained back 45 of it.  I figured nothing's changed, I might as well collect my $200 and circle the board again.  Except, these past ten months, I've changed a whole lot...and not just the expanding of my ass...So, here's what I learned:

1.  Sometimes you just have to say no.  I've never really been a martyr kind of girl...I don't complain about how busy I am, or how much I have to do.  There are 24 hours in a day and I choose to spend them wisely, or not...more often than not...not.  But, this past year I failed miserably.  I took on second job that taxed my family, that taxed my body, that make me literally explode from the inside.  I've learned doing more does not make me a better person; that having a long to-do list does not send me to the front of the line in heaven.  Sometimes you have to say no...

2.  So that, you sometimes can say yes.  Because there are things that give me life--and are you ready to hear this...exercising makes me feel better--and getting a gym membership that lets me go sweat with the rest of Rochelle pushed me out of my comfort zone, got me off the couch, and although hasn't yet helped me lose weight, has made me feel much, much better.  And doing this gives me life--writing and thinking and reading...I absolutely hate being outside, and I'm going to quit thinking that good people go camping and hiking and biking...instead I'll put in my life-giving time on the ellipitical and then crawl into bed read a book, and start writing the book that is churning inside me.

3.  Sometimes falling on your ass is the best thing that could happen.  About six years ago, I slipped on a patch of ice and fractured my coccyx (or broke my ass); it still hurts sometimes; healing happens very slowly on something you sit on everyday...but I also have become much more careful when walking on snow and ice and any uneven surface that might send me downwards.  Falling has taught me how to walk carefully.  And falling this year has taught me that the world does not end if I don't succeed--that life will continue, and that before it, during it, after it, I am still the same girl looking at herself in the mirror (even if her face is a little (or a lot) fuller). 

4.  Sometimes it takes a village to raise...me.  This year I have learned I simply cannot do it alone.  So, I surround myself with people who pick me up when #3 happens, and who push me forward when I'm treading too carefully.   There's my doctor who sees me sometimes three times in a month because the depression is too deep and I need med re-adjustment.  And there's my therapist who teaches me to breathe and to love...myself.  There's my Health Clinic Coach--a wonderful girl who calls me every three or four weeks just to make sure that I have goals in front of me and helps me remember my successes.  There's my pastor friends who let me sit in morose silence when I need to, and who affirm my gifts even when I think they're non-existent.  And then there's my...

5.  Spouse, Partner, Lover, Man-I-Adore, Daddy to my children, who has taught me that love indeed can be blind (I really didn't know I was gaining weight for awhile, because his eyes shown with nothing but love--cheezy, I know).  I've learned that my struggles affect our whole family and that he will always...always pick up the pieces that fall shattering to the floor (and often puts them back together with krazy glue).  I have fallen more in love with this man than ever; we celebrate our 15th anniversary this year, and there is no one I would rather have journey with me through these peaks and valleys; skinny shirts and tent dresses.

6.  My children want me--not perfect mom...not skinny mom...not cookie baking mom...but me.  And hearing my youngest say at my lightest and at my heaviest..."You look beautiful mommy..." says that maybe I'm doing something right.  

7.  And finally I've learned that I am Me...that sometimes I carry a few more layers...layers my body adds to tell me it's had enough.  But, underneath it all, is Me...and I am loved by this gracious, amazing group of villagers.  And most importantly...most deeply...more assuredly I am loved by Jesus, who couldn't care less the size of my ass, who made me inside and out, and who wants nothing more than for me to love myself as deeply as I love my neighbors.

I'm kind of excited to start this journey...or continue this journey...to slowly uncover the Me that's been there this whole time. 

Things I wouldn't say...

Steve just posted, so I decided it's time to begin this process again.  I think when you're going in a mostly positive direction, it's much easier to let the world know.  But, when you're really struggling...probably when you need to share it the most, even people like me (who keep virtually nothing hidden) tend to stop the typing and turn to paper journals instead...

So, here it goes again, sharing with the world...I have a tape in my head, that is always playing, and honestly it says things I wouldn't say to my worst enemy.  "You're stupid, fat, ugly, and lazy."  I've heard it for so long, so many times; it's waiting for a mistake to be made, or a pound to be gained, or a failure to pounce on; sometimes it's deafening, other times I'm able to drown out the noise with distractions; but it's always there.  Don't worry, I'm in therapy...I'm trying to override it, to speak the truth to what I'm told is lies; But, often it wins--as it has been for the last six months or so.  So, there you go, sometimes simply to name it, takes it power away (at least that's what I'm hoping); maybe tomorrow we'll talk more about quieting it, but today, no neat little bow, just naming where I've been.   Today, just softly tip-toeing into the typed word...

My Unbound Heart

    Staying true to the name of my blog, I'm known to be quite the unholy one.  I tend to swear during my sermons (it's those times I'm so happy the little old ladies can't hear); I got drunk at a parishioner's wedding and had to be driven home; yesterday, we played cards during Sunday School instead of opening the bible; and on more than one Sunday, I too wish I could stay in bed like the majority of the people in my congregation.  That all said, however, I love Jesus!  And it is absolutely amazing how often he keeps popping up in the world, showing me that the the Spirit roams free--if only I would get my substantial ass out of the way.
    So, you know what I've started doing?  I've started praying.  Yep, that's it; good old fashioned, sit down, stand up, fold your hands, raise your arms, opening my heart to the Spirit, praying.  It started with a book (which I'll probably talk about a lot in the near future) called Unbinding the Gospel; my congregation did a test group (10 of us gathered together for about 10 weeks), and we simply prayed together, shared together, cried together, and laughed together.  Now, like I said, i'm the unholy one, who would much rather keep Jesus in my head, and interpret scripture, and talk about things...and praying is not something that us unholy people really like doing.  But, I swear to you--once you let those scales fall away (actually once you let Jesus tear them down), you start to see things in a whole new way.  You actually start to see Jesus.  And people who were scared, start to take a few steps, and the fear you used to have about making mistakes, starts to lessen and you screw up a whole lot more.  And the way you thought God was meant for an hour on Sunday starts to look quite foolish, and you see her in the grocery store and when you tuck your children in at night and even in your mother-in-law.  And you even start to sound a little Jesus-freaky, and for the first time in your life, you really don't care, because that man changed the world and conquered the darkness and made death obsolete and you kind of want everyone you know to hear the story too.
    So, here I am, a stoic Lutheran, who's had a change of heart, who will not become Baptist, but who just might raise her hands in the air.  And who knows prayer changes things and who doesn't care how cliche that sounds.  So, there's the ramblings of the unholy one for today...I'm going to go for now, because the Spirit is moving, and I gotta go find her.