I Am Beautiful...

First of all...I love all of you!


Second of all...after letting this drift away (a few times it's come back), but you're all right. Damn it...this big bottom has given birth to three crazy children; my hips help me carry them, even when they should be walking (ahem...Elijah...walk!!!). You know the other funny thing...is literally the week before I told Steve that I was starting to like my body: I was beginning to appreciate my curves, and how I can show a waist (and without a butt, you can't do that!), and then I gave this power to someone I don't even know! So, you know what, that boy indeed has no power over me! I am beautiful, damn it (I say that expletive a lot; I need a new one!). I am a woman, created by God, exactly the way that I am. And instead of worrying about what everyone else thinks, I'm going to love what I've got! And, I'm going to get healthy, so I can dance with Evelyn, and tackle Isaac when he's practicing football, and chase the balls that Elijah hits over the fence. And instead of waiting for everyone else to say "you're beautiful," I'm going to say it.

So, here I go...

"Sarah, you are a child of God; a creation of God. You have been blessed by the most amazing of friends and family; and you know what, you are beautiful, exactly the way that you..."
 
Maybe each and every morning, we need to look at ourselves in the mirror and say that exact thing.  "______(insert your name here) YOU are a child of God.  YOU are beautiful."  I bet if we all did that, the world would become more beautiful in an instant, and everyone we met, might see the beauty in themselves as well.  I'm not sure...let's try it!  Let me know how it goes...
 
I love you, my beautiful friends! 

Throwin' it to the Sound...

    After very long, strange days at Harborview (a Trauma One Center in downtown Seattle) my CPE supervisor would have an equally long, strange commute home; she would drive down to the ferry dock and ride the waves of the Puget Sound back to her home on Bainbridge Island.  Each night, she said, she would cast the day into the sea.  Some of the things that she (and sometimes we) would see could leave these indelible images in your mind.  You'd encounter people that would challenge, confront, and test you, and merely walking away from the hospital campus wasn't enough.  So she developed a practice where on the ferry ride home, she'd "let it go;"  by gently casting or ferociously throwing those images and words into the ocean, she could enter again her home, unincumbered, and as the whole, confident woman who began today. 
     I've decided that you...that this blog is my Sound.  Writing it is my ferry ride.  Knowing that at least one person reads it, helps me "let go" of these images and thoughts and words swirling around in my soul. 
    So, today I am ferociously throwing.  I've talked to Steve already, and sometimes he's amazed at the things I'm willing to share, but here it goes...

     I've been having a pretty difficult week since returning from Oregon.  As you know, I gained back 10 pounds (maybe more; I refuse to weigh myself until the end of Sept); Anyway...when I got off the plane and saw my husband standing there, I felt like I had gained it all back.  Steve looks amazing!  He's lost 50+ pounds, the Wii doesn't say obese--and I am so proud of him.  But, that being said, he weighs exactly two pounds more now than I did when I started this damn journey.  He's getting skinny, and I'm getting bigger.  And his skinniness makes my bigness look even bigger.  And so for the last week, I have been awful to him--really, just ask him.  I'm throwing him glares and being mean...and just being not only an awful wife, but an awful person.  And yesterday evening, we had one of those great late-night conversations where I'm literally sobbing and he's holding me and he says "Sarah, you know that I would protect you against anyone.  You know that if someone was hurting you, I would stand up for you...would help you.  I'm just tired of having to protect you from yourself, from your self-hatred, from your punching yourself over and over again..."  And of course, as any over-emotional spouse would do, I cried even more and realized anew that indeed he loves me...that maybe I'm not as bad as I think I am...that I can do this, and I am doing this.  Nice story, huh?  Except this one doesn't need to crash into the waters...
This does:  So, the aforementioned leaves me a little more positive today; I'm still feeling that nagging feeling of having cried for hours, but otherwise feeling okay.  Until...
    I went to Dekalb (a college town where the kids just arrived yesterday) to pick up a few groceries, and as I was walking into the store I hear (and I quote, because I haven't thrown it in yet) "And there goes a girl with a fat bottom."  My stomach sinks and my eyes begin to fill with those left-over tears, and instantly I'm back in second grade where those damn boys called me Miss Piggy for six years, and when someone in high school said finally a boy liked me, but only because he liked the song by that god-awful performed who rapped about "liking big butts..." and my soul literally shrank inside of me, while at the same time I kept thinking--why must I take up so much space in the world?  I try to be positive--at least he called me 'girl,' not old lady (which I attribute to my haircut--thanks Barb!)...but honestly I can't seem to explain it away.  It's not like he's lying ("pear-shaped I am," as Yoda would say).  But, damn it, I'm in a journey--doesn't he know that.  What would have been said 30 pounds ago?  Who says those kinds of things?  Doesn't he know I will forever have his voice and his words in me?  And I left wishing, I could flip him off, or have some wise retort, or at least walk away with my head held high.  But, alas none of that happened.  I walked away, stayed in the store for as short as possible, went out of my way to find my car another way, and immediately thought, where is that frickin' Sound, so I can let this go...
   So, here it is...I'm throwing it...dammit, I'm throwin' it.  The problem is...I'm pretty sure there is no amount of winds or waves that will carry it far enough away for me to forget it...  But I'm still going to try.  Thanks for being the Sound, dear friends...take it...and swim far, far away.

Guest Blogger--The big 5-0

If you have come here to read the wise words of my wife, you may be sadly disappointed. Today, I want to share what is going on in my weight loss journey. It's not just the unholypastormommy that is losin' it, I'm working at it too! I was going to write a couple of weeks ago when I hit the first big milestone but I got busy and the initial excitement wore off and I didn't get to it. Now I've hit another milestone and well, I want to say more than a Facebook status update will allow.

The big milestone of a couple of weeks ago was when my Wii Fit announced that I was overweight. How exciting! For so long I had to hear that dreaded word that I was obese. And I was excited to hear the word overweight. I think my Mii still puffs up too much but I can't control that. This morning I hit another significant milestone. Today when I weighed in, the scale read 239. This is significant because I honestly don't know when I weighed this much last but it was probably in college or when I lived at Holden or something. The other big thing is that I hit the big 5-0. I have lost 50 pounds since I began this weight loss journey! It is an absolutely amazing accomplishment and I don't know what is next. I still have a little more spare tire to lose but it looks more like a bike tire than the tractor tire it once was.

But, I would also like to say how much I miss my wifey. She is my partner in this journey and we are good for one another and we support one another and this whole being apart really stinks. Thursday will come but not soon enough.

I hope you don't mind my disruption in Sarah's blog but I had to share the news with someone. 

They say you can't go home again...

And actually I think they were right.  I'm ten again; you wouldn't know it by looking at me.  But, the emotions are the same; the dynamics are the same, and the results?  the same.  I love my family so very much, but I can't be ten anymore; I can't keep trying to fix all the problems (yes...I'm the oldest); I can't take the drama; and honestly if me and my baby sister spend any more time together, I'm going to have to file for bankruptcy (I love you Bekah!).  So, this post is for all those people who have known me since I've turned 10.  Will you remind me that I am a grown-up?  Will you remind me that I do not need to drown my sorrows, my fears, my anger in brownies (I'm in the midst of a five day binge--hello 200's...)?   Will you tell me that I am a good mother, that I can be a smart woman, that I can be a faithful daughter and sister even if I can't live in the bedroom I grew up in anymore?  I need your help, you guys...so tell me to put down the cookie--and to make things easier, tell me why. 
That's all...